Joel – Page 4 – Tales of an Introvert

What to do While Absorbing Radiation with Your Crotch

Crucial Government Terrorism Advice: While Absorbing Radiation With Your Crotch, Think About Your New Tattoo

04/03/2008
By Jamie Crossan

The Department of Homeland Security has a new website, www.ready.gov, with all the latest official signs to be used in case of a terrorist attack. As a public service, The Wittenburg Door is publishing the signs along with a translation of what each sign is instructing us to do.

Here are some of my favs:

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

We always thought there was something wrong with Texans.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.

From the ‘Why Didn’t I Think of This’ File

Stephen Moseley over at CoolPeopleCare twittered his experiences of being a single parent for 36 hours. I am coming to the close of my time being a single parent and it is extremely hard especially when work and school is a factor. I would much rather have had the weekend to be the full-time daddy. Today, alone, I believe my head almost exploded three or four times. And that was just this morning getting ready to take the Young Extroverted One to work with me to get some things done before I took her to school.

Alright, the Elder Extroverted Holy One just called and said that she and the Bobblehead are leaving Montreat now. Hopefully, by the time I pick up the YEO we’ll be a complete family again. Single parents out there need some sort of huge award. Monetary in nature would be preferable.

Quotable Quotes IX

“Why is God playing the bagpipes?” — Young Extroverted One looking at my Highland Brewing Company pint glass filled with Gaelic Ale.

I notice she didn’t mention anything about God drinking beer . . .

Randomness

Listening to John McCain speak the other day I had a revelation. One shouldn’t be allowed to be president if one pronounces America (four syllables) as amerca (three syllables).

Gary Gygax Memorial Cat

Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!

My TV Girlfriends

As a parent, one watches a lot of children’s television. As the Young Extroverted One calls it, “Kid TV.” Through watching these shows one develops connections or revulsions with the hosts of certain shows.

Tahra of Tahra Time on NPT? I wanna punch her in the neck. And don’t get me started on Barney.

However, there are three hosts that hold a special place in my heart. And the fact that the YEO likes to watch these shows makes it easy for me to get my crush on. A quick note to the YEO and the Bobblehead: I love your mother very much. As Buffett says in ‘Little Miss Magic,’ “Your mother is the only other woman for me . . .” This is just a fun little crush and maybe a little unhealthy and creepy as well. Just relax and play along.

First up is a classic. The kids have never watched this show. Heck, I can’t even remember when it was on TV. But, here is Xuxa. I guess she was on around the late 80’s early 90’s. I don’t remember much about the show. I just remember her.

Next up is my buddy Jenn from Hi-5 fame. The show is actually kind of annoying. I’m not a big fan of bubbly people just bubbly beverages. But Jenn stood out among the cheese.

She has since grown up and is now a ‘big’ country star. Regardless of the genre, the crush remains.

Last but not least is the lovely Nina from the Good Night Show on Sprout. She is soft spoken, sweet and multilingual. Maybe she can teach my daughters some Spanish because us white folk love to have multilingual kids!

123 Book Meme

I’ve been tagged by Bruce and I still don’t quite understand what the heck a ‘meme‘ is and am not really sure where the heck that word came from (see definition #7 at the bottom) but, I’ll go ahead and play.

The rules.

1) Grab the nearest book of 123 pages or more.
2) Open it to page 123.
3) Find the first 5 sentences and write them down.
4) Invite five friends to do the same

So, here goes . . . and I’m in my office at work so this might prove to be fruitless or at least not very interesting.

From page 123 of the Backstage Handbook: an Illustrated Almanac of Technical Information third edition. Nothing deep just nuts and bolts book for the theater industry.

Enjoy:

Interior Plywood
	Veneer Quality			Stock Sizes
Grade	Face	Back	Inside	Width	Length	Thickness	Uses
A-A	A	A	D	3′,4′	8′	1/4″, 3/8″, 1/2″, 5/8″, 3/4″, 1″	Interior uses, such as cabinet doors, furniture, etc., where both sides will show.
A-B A-C	A A	B C	D D	3′,4′	8′	1/4″, 3/8″, 1/2″, 5/8″, 3/4″, 1″	High quality uses, where only one side will show.
A-D (plypanel)	A	D	D	3′,4′	8′	1/4″, 3/8″, 1/2″, 5/8″, 3/4″, 1″	Uses include lesser quality wall paneling and cabinets. An all-purpose “good-one-side” sheet.
B-D	B	D	D	4′	8′	1/4″, 3/8″, 1/2″, 5/8″, 3/4″	Can be used as a lower quality substitute for A-B if the panel is painted.
C-D (Plybase)	C	D	D	4′	8′	1/4″, 3/8″, 1/2″, 5/8″, 3/4″	Used for subfloors and as a base for tile, linoleum, and carpeting.

Good times . . . I hereby tag Colin over at Reluctant Faith, Mike at Chez Bez, Dwight over at OTSO, Alan the renderer over at Renderings, and finally my bro who writes a hockey blog (for a horrible team …tee hee) here.

I Must Be Weak-minded

Yet again I have a brainworm. This time, however, it’s from the Young Extroverted One’s collection of fine tunes. The problem with brainworms and my poor memory is that all that plays over and over in my head is one verse. It wouldn’t be that bad if I could remember the whole thing.

Luckily, the music that the YEO chooses (read: we play for her) are mostly pretty good and this particular song is pretty fun. It’s from the Jack’s Big Music Show Soundtrack from the show that’s on Noggin and it’s the Dirty Sock Funtime Band. As with the majority of brainworms I must pass them on in the hopes of getting them out of my head.

Enjoy: Music Everywhere

Super Stormy Tuesday

Crazy bad storms roared through Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Tennessee and Kentucky last night. Luckily, those of us in the Nashville area seemed to fare the storm pretty well. I stayed up late (after an exceptionally long day at work) tracking the storm activity instead of keeping up with the primary results and the Predator/Hurricanes game on Versus.

While I was at work I set up to record the hockey game on my DVR. DirecTV is so cool for adding that feature. I AM UNSTOPPABLE!!! Unless, of course it’s overridden by the ladies at the house.

I was watching the storm coverage on WTVF (don’t meteorologists take some sort of glee in dangerously active weather?) confident that I wouldn’t miss the game of two of my favorites going head-to-head. All of a sudden right after the first super cell barreled through downtown they take a call from a former employee who is at the Sommet Center. As he is on the phone he describes the actions taken by the staff at the arena and mentions the outcome of the game!?! Hello? Gimme a spoiler alert warning for Pete’s sake! I know you’re stressed out but come on. . .

I suppose I’m the kind of guy that once he hears the outcome of a game that he is taping he no longer has interest in watching that game. Even if it turns out to be good contest. For me, it’s kind of like watching the movie ‘Titanic.’ I know the thing is going to sink so what’s the point?