department of homeland security – Tales of an Introvert

What to do While Absorbing Radiation with Your Crotch

From the Wittenburg Door

Crucial Government Terrorism Advice: While Absorbing Radiation With Your Crotch, Think About Your New Tattoo

04/03/2008
By Jamie Crossan

The Department of Homeland Security has a new website, www.ready.gov, with all the latest official signs to be used in case of a terrorist attack. As a public service, The Wittenburg Door is publishing the signs along with a translation of what each sign is instructing us to do.

Here are some of my favs:

Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.

If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about a cool design for a new tattoo.

If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.

If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.

Hurricanes, animal corpses and your potential new tattoo have a lot in common. Think about it.

If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.

We always thought there was something wrong with Texans.

Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!

After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.